THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE

FAVOURITE DRINK
Age 17: Wine Coolers
Age 25: White wine
Age 35: Red wine
Age 48: Dom Perignon
Age 66: Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17: Need to wash my hair
25: Need to wash and condition my hair
35: Need to colour my hair
48: Need to have Francois colour my hair
66: Need to have Francois colour my wig

FAVOURITE SPORT
17: Shopping
25: Shopping
35: Shopping
48: Shopping
66: Shopping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17: "Burger King"
25: "Free meal"
35: "A diamond"
48: "A bigger diamond"
66: "Home Alone"

FAVOURITE FANTASY
17: Tall, dark and handsome
25: Tall, dark and handsome with money
35: Tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48: A man with hair (preferably not on back)
66: A man

PET
17: Muffy the cat
25: Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35: Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
48: Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66: Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat

IDEAL AGE FOR MARRIAGE
17: 17
25: 25
35: 35
48: 48
66: 66

IDEAL DATE
17: He offers to pay
25: He pays
35: He cooks breakfast the next morning
48: He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66: He can chew breakfast

Why do women close their eyes during sex?

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
Eleven. Ten to form a committee and one to get her boyfriend to do it...

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.

How many divorced women does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four. One to screw in the bulb, three to form a support group.

How many men does it take to please a woman.
Impossible. Once a woman's done bitching about the men, they're all asleep.

Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand to see a man have a good time.

What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.

Why did the woman cross the road?
That's not the point, what's she doing out of the kitchen?

What do you do if your dishwasher breaks down?
Kick her where the sun don't shine.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Men are men, and women are women, and the twin shall never meet!!

HANDWRITING
Men: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch.
Women: Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot the "i" with circles or hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in the "b" and "g". It is a pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she will put a smiley face at the end of the note.

GROCERIES
Women: A woman makes a list of things she needs, then goes out to the store and buys those things.
Men: A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the express lane.

RELATIONSHIPS
Women: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.
Men: A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.

SEX
Women: They prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.
Men: They prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place part of the foreplay.

MATURITY
Women: They mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults.
Men: Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

MAGAZINES
Men: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body.
Women: Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

BATHROOMS
Men: A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
Women: The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man cannot identify most of these items.

SHOES
Women: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.
Men: A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. Let's not talk about how many days he'll wear the same socks.

CATS
Women: Women love cats.
Men: Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

CHILDREN
Women: A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
Men: A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

DFRESSING UP
Women: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
Men: A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

LAUNDRY
Women: Women do laundry every couple of days.
Men: A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants (the ones that were hip about eight years ago) before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes of "Love American Style."

EATING OUT
Men: When the check comes, each man will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
Women: When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

MIRRORS
Men: Men are vain and will check themselves out in a mirror.
Women: They are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, bald guys' heads.

MENOPAUSE
Women: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.
Men: Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction -- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

THE PHONE
Men: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people.
Women: A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

RICHARD GERE
Women: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.
Men: Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

MADONNA: Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.

TOYS
Women: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.
Men: Men never grow out of their toy obsession. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive, silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TVs. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.

CAMERAS
Men: Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4,000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes.
Women: Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.

LOCKER ROOMS
Men: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
Women: They talk about one thing in the locker room -- sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

MOVIES
Women: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man.
Men: The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

JEWELLERY
Women: Women look nice when they wear jewelry.
Men: A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

CONVERSATION
Men: Men need a good disagreement to get talking. For instance, "Wow, great movie." or "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size."
Women: Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on.

LEG WARMERS
Women: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants.
Men: A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."

FRIENDS
Women: Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time.
Men: Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos" or "got any more beer?"

RESTROOMS
Women: Women use restrooms as social lounges. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. Women also go to the restroom in packs, at least two women at a time excuse themselves to use the restroom.
Men: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"

Wanna know how man bound himself in chains?

How did marriage evolve?

The great Indian mystic Osho explains in simplistic terms and in the best possible way how marriage came in to being. There can't be a better explanation than this. Read on.

This is the compromise that human beings have made: to be secure about the future, to be certain about the tomorrows, to have a guarantee that the woman who loves you is going to love you forever, that it is not a temporary affair....

That's why religious people say that marriages are "made in heaven"... a strange kind of heaven, because if these marriages are made in heaven, then what can you make in hell? They don't show the signs, the fragrance, the freshness, the beauty of heaven. They are certainly disgusting, ugly... they show something of hell certainly. But man settled for marriage because that was the only way to have private property.

Animals don't have private property -- they are all communists, and far better communists than have appeared in human history. They don't have any dictatorship of the proletariat and they have not lost their freedom, but they don't have any private property.

Man also lived for thousands of years without marriage, but those were the days when there was no private property. Those were the days of hunting; man was a hunter. And those people thousands of years ago had no cold-storage system, no technology -- whatever food they got they had to finish as quickly as possible. They could only hope that tomorrow they will get some food again.

Because there was nothing to accumulate, there was no question of marriage. People lived in communes, tribes; people loved, people reproduced, but in the beginning there was no word for "father." The word "mother" is far more ancient and far more natural. You will be surprised to know that the word 'uncle' is older than the word "father" -- because all the people who were the age of your father... you didn't know who your father was. Men and women were mixing joyously -- without any compulsion, without any legal bondage, out of their free will. If they wanted to meet and be together there was no question of domination. The children never knew who their father was, they knew only their mother. And they knew many men in the tribe; someone amongst those men must have been their father, hence they were all uncles.

As private property came into existence with cultivation.... With hunting, man could not survive long. People have destroyed complete species of animals. Hundreds of species which once used to dance and sing on this earth... man has eaten them up. Something had to be done because hunting was not reliable. Today you may get food, tomorrow you may have to be hungry. And it was very arduous. The search for animals did not allow man to develop any of his other talents, his genius. But cultivation changed the whole life of man.

You must be remindedof the fact that cultivation is the discovery of women, not of men. The woman was confined -- she was not able to go hunting. Most of the time she was pregnant, she was weak, she was carrying another soul within her. She needed care, protection...so she was living in the house. She started making the living space more beautiful -- and this you can see even today, after thousands of years.

If you enter into a bachelor's room you can immediately say that it is a bachelor's room. You may not be able to decide by seeing the bachelor whether he is bachelor or not, but his room certainly is a bachelor! The woman, her touch, is missing. The house of a bachelor is never a home, it is just a place where he sleeps. It is not something with which he feels a certain intimacy, a certain creative relationship.

The home, the village, the city and the whole civilization are because of the woman, because she was free from hunting and she had different values of the heart and of the mind -- she was more aesthetic, more graceful, more earthly, not at all interested in hell and heaven and God and the devil and all that crap! No woman has written a single religious scripture. No woman has been a philosopher thinking about abstract, faraway things.

Woman's consciousness is interested only in the intimate surroundings -- she would like a beautiful house, she would like a beautiful garden. She wants to create a small world of her own -- cozy, comfortable. She imparts a certain quality to a dead house and it becomes a living home. It is a magical transformation.

Man continued to hunt, and the woman started looking around...the man had no time. He has always been busy without business, but the woman had all the time there is. The basic work of hunting was being done by the groups of men and the woman started looking around. She discovered cultivation because she saw wild fruits growing, she saw many other things growing and she also saw that every year the crop dies, the seeds fall back into the earth and when the rains come, again those seeds sprout in thousands of plants.

She started experimenting to find what was edible and what was not edible. Soon, as hunting was becoming more and more difficult, men had to agree with women: "We have to shift our whole economic focus. We have to go for cultivation, for fruits, for vegetables. And these are in our hands -- we can produce as much as we want, as we need it, and there is tremendous variety."

Slowly, slowly the nomads, the wandering tribes...because hunters cannot stay in one place. They have to go on moving as the animals escape. Once hunting was dropped and cultivation became our very measure of survival a new thing also happened alongside.

There were people who were powerful people and there were people who were weak people. The people who were physically powerful managed to claim much ground as their property. They earned much...slowly, slowly the barter system started, because when you have too much of one crop, what are you going to do with it? You have to exchange it; then you can have many more things. Life became more complex, with more excitement.

But a problem was felt: after a person dies, who is going to inherit his property? Nobody wanted their property to be inherited by any XYZ. They wanted their property to belong to their own blood.

It is out of economics, not out of the understanding of lovethat marriage came into existence. Its very birth was wrong, under the wrong stars.And because man had to agree for marriage.... The woman was very willing for the simple reason that for thousands of years in the hunting period she was not financially a part of the society; man was all. Man continued his power, although the whole social structure changed. The hunter's nomadic life became a peaceful life in a village but man's concern about his property.... He wanted a contract with the woman to be certain that the son she was giving birth to is not somebody else's, but his own. For this simple purpose all the woman's freedom had to be destroyed. She had to live almost like a prisoner, or worse.

Man agreed -- under compulsion, he compromised. If the woman was losing a few things -- her freedom of movement, her freedom in changing lovers -- man was also ready to sacrifice his freedom. They would remain devoted to each other forever.

But it is against nature. Even if you want to do it nature is not going to support you. Nature is for freedom, not for any kind of bondage.

So new problems started arising. Men started finding prostitutes who were no-one's wives, or as it was phrased in India, the prostitute was the wife of the whole town: nagarvadhu. She belongs to anybody, she is a commodity; you have to pay and buy her time and her body. Because of marriage it was very difficult to find married women because then there were more complexities: they had their husbands.... Prostitutes were good.

And you will be surprised to know that in India every city had its topmost prostitute -- she was the most beautiful girl born in that city. Because she was so beautiful it was not right to let her get married to one person, she had to be shared. She was so beautiful that if she got married there would be trouble, there would be problems -- people would go on falling in love with her. It was better to keep her free for anybody who would pay.

Marriage created suspicion. The husband was always suspicious about whether the child born to them was his own or not. And the problem is, the father had no way to determine that a child was his own. Only the mother knew. Because the father had no way of being certain, he created more and more walls around the woman -- that was the only possibility, the only alternative -- to disconnect her from the larger humanity. Not to educate her, because education gives wings to people, thoughts, makes people capable of revolt, so no education for women. No religious education for women, because religion makes you saints, holy people and it has been a male-dominated society for centuries and man cannot conceive a woman to be higher and holier than himself.

Man has been cutting from the very roots any possibility of woman's growth. She is just a factory to manufacture children. She has not been accepted by any culture in the world as equal to man.

(Courtesy: Osho: Sermons in Stones, Chapter 13)

Barrom babble: What they say and what they mean

Bar Room Translations

"You get this one, next round is on me."
(We won't be here long enough to get another round.)

"I'll get this one, next one is on you."
(Happy hour is about to end...drafts are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.)

"Hey, where is that friend of yours?"
(I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)

"Can I get a glass of white zinfandel."
(female) (I'm easy.)

"Can I get a glass of white zinfandel."
(male) (I'm gay.)

"Ever try a body shot?"
(male to female) (I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)

"Ever try a body shot?"
(female to male) (If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?)

"I don't feel well, let's go home."
(female) (You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)

"I don't feel well, let's go home."
(male) (I'm horny.)

"Who's got the next round?"
(I haven't bought a round in almost three years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)

"Excuse Me."
(male to male) (Get the hell out of the way.)

"Excuse Me."
(male to female) (I am going to grope you now.)

"Excuse Me."
(female to male) (Don't even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way.)

"Excuse Me."
(female to female) (Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway?)

"What do you have on tap?"
(What's cheap?)

"Can I have a white Russian?"
(male) (I'm "really" gay.)

"Can I have a white Russian?"
(female) (I'm "really" easy.)

"That person looks really familiar."
(Did I sleep with him/her?)

"Can I just get a glass of water?"
(female) (I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)

"I don't have my ID on me."
(female) (I'm 19.)

"I don't have my ID on me."
(male) (I don't have a licence since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my last visit here)

What a woman says and what a man hears!!

What a woman says:
"This place is a mess!
C'mon, you and I need to clean,
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes to wear
if we don't do laundry right now!"

What a man hears:
"blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW"

Perfect man, perfect woman and Santa Claus

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Who was the survivor?

The perfect woman.

She's the only one that really existed in the first place.

Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man..

A Male's Response

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

What he says and what he means!!

When he says – "Maybe we could get together or something"
He really means – "I think you're hot, but am too scared to ask you out on a date. So, I'll just dance around the question and hopefully you'll make the plans for us"
What you should say – "Yeah, maybe"

When he says – "What time do you need to go to work?"
He really means – "I want sex"
What you should say – "Early"

When he says – "It feels like I haven't kissed you for ages"
He really means – "I haven't been laid in ages"
What you should say – "I've been busy"

When he says – "It's not you, it's me"
He really means – "It is you, I am just an idiot for not realising what a good catch you are"
What you should say – "That's okay, I think I'm too busy for a relationship now anyway"

When he says – "I need a break"
He really means – "I want to have my cake and eat it too"
What you should say – "I think that's a good idea"

When he says – "You're beautiful"
He really means – "Right now, to me, you're beautiful, but that doesn't mean tomorrow you will be"
What you should say – Nothing. Just smile sweetly.

When he says – "I really like you but feel that you deserve more"
He really means – "You deserve more and I am being an asshole but can't stop myself from being an asshole"
What you should say – "I do deserve more"

When he says – "I really like you"
He really means – "I think I may be falling in love with you but if I say that there's no going back"
What you should say – "That's great"

The two sexes can agree on the same thing!!

WANTS AND NEEDS (wontz and nedz) n.
Female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship.
Male: Food, sex and beer.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.

BUTT (but) n.
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
Male: The organ used for mooning and holding a tool belt on.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing byproduct of digestion.
Male: An endless source of enterainment, self-expression and male bonding.

GLASS CEILING (glas see-ling) n.
Female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels in business.
Male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up.

LESBIAN (lez-bi-an) n.
Female: A woman who makes love to other women.
Male: A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch and get really turned on.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: What men have to call "boinking" to get women to boink.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 1/2 minutes.

TASTE (tayst) v.
Female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good.
Male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.

THINGIE (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strapfastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing ball without a cup.

What is a woman, Lord?

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Adam?", God replies.

"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens.

"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely

"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a'woman' for you

"What's a 'woman', Lord?"

"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you," replies the heavenly voice.

"Sounds great."

"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."

"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?" Adam replies.

"She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle."

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally, Adam says to God, "Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?"

The rest, as they say, is history.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eyeopener!!

1. Never do housework. No man ever made love to a because the house was spotless.

2. Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.

3. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

4. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out on you? You the door.

5. So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

6. If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all there.

7. Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.

8. Never let your man's mind wander. It's too little to be let out alone.

9. The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't dance or buy drinks.

10. Never sleep with a man who's named his penis.

11. Go for younger men. You might as well. They never mature anyway.

12. A man who can dress himself without looking like Forrest Gump is unquestionably gay.

13. Men are all the same. They just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

14. Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

15. Women don't make fools of men. Most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

16. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

17. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.

18. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

19. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even then in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

20. If he ask what sort of books your interested in, tell him checkbooks.

21. A man's serious commitment is usually : "Oh all right, I'll stay the night."

22. Women sleep with men, who if they were women they wouldn't even bother to have lunch with.

23. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell jokes, it means you laugh at his.

24. If he asks you if you're faking it, tell him no, you're just practicing.

25. Sadly, all men are created equal.

26. When he asks you if he's the first, tell him, "You may be, you do look familiar."

Wanna know your guy quotient?

Are You a Guy?

Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:

a. Present it to the president of the United States.
b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
a. Innocence.
b. Idealism.
c. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. What about hugging another male?
a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")
c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:

a. He is legally within the basepath,
b. Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
c. You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures

5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...
a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.

6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
a. A cat.
b. A dog.
c. A dog that eats cats.

7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy -- you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers -- when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.

8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her -- sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
c. Tell her what?

9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
b. "They're in school already?"
c. "There are three of them?"

10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody -- and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife -- is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.

11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
a. He was being tested.
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
c. He refused to ask directions.

12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
a. Democracy.b. Religion. c. Remote control.

How to Score:
Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer "c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real guy would score at least 15, because he would get the special five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.

Top ten things men shouldn't say out loud in a Victoria's Secret store

* Does this come in children's sizes?

* No Thanks. Just Sniffing.

* I'll be in the dressing room going blind.

* Mom will love this.

* Do you have this with a Dallas Cowboys Logo on it?

* No need to wrap it up, I'll eat it here.

* Will you model this for me?

* Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!

* But darling - your mother already has that one in red.

* 45 bucks?! You're just gonna end up naked anyway!

What she says and what she means -- 2

Your woman just got home from shopping and is modelling her new dress for you. She circles the room and looks at you expectantly, waiting for your opinion. Naturally, you are confused. Is she asking for your honest opinion or is she fishing for a compliment? Sometimes, determining what your woman is asking you can be a challenge, especially in the early stages of a relationship. This communication barrier is no one's fault. Rather, it can be attributed to the fact that men and women speak very different languages. While men are used to being more direct with one another, women tend to be more subtle, often using hints and insinuations. So don't be surprised when you and your woman have such misunderstandings — instead, pay attention and read on. Here, we have translated a few common phrases that she might utter in the early stages of your relationship. These should help bridge the gap between what she says and what she means, and get the two of you speaking the same language.

Here's a primer to decode her phrases:

She says: "I'm not angry."
What she means: I'm angry
Why she does this: If she's pursing her lips and not speaking to you, but claims she's not angry, she's probably bluffing. She could simply be bottling up her anger or she may think that her man should just know why she's upset, without her having to tell him
What you should do: Try to figure out why she's upset and talk about it. The issue is not going to go away. In fact, if you don't deal with it, she'll just have bottled-up anger toward you and it'll come back to bite you later.

She says: "I think of you as a brother."
What she means: I'm not attracted to you
Why she does this: She probably wants to preempt your hitting on her with this sneaky little line. It serves the purpose of letting you know she's not into you, and of course, it's kinder than telling you the truth.
What you should do: In this case, it's what you shouldn't do: Don't make a move on her.

She says: "I like your friends, but…"
What she means: I don't like your friends
Why she does this: She doesn't want to come off as controlling or insulting to you or your friends, so she's not going to tell you outright how much she dislikes them. She probably thinks they're a bad influence on you and wants you to hang out with them less
What you should do: It depends on what she says she doesn't like about them. If she has a valid reason to dislike them, then you might take her concerns into consideration. Otherwise, simply tell her that your friends are important to you and that you like her to make more of an effort to get along with them.

She says: "You don't communicate enough."
What she means: How do you feel about me and our relationship?
Why she does this: She wants to know how you are feeling and where the relationship is going, but doesn't want to come off as needy. She is hoping you'll volunteer your thoughts and feelings on your relationship.
What you should do: Put her mind at ease and tell her what you think about the relationship. If you don't do it now, she'll just find another way to ask you.

She says: "Why don't you try to kiss me like this?"
What she means: I don't like the way you do it.
Why she does this: She doesn't want to hurt your feelings. But this is not all bad; she likes you enough to want to work at it and make it better.
What you should do: Try it her way and see how it goes.

She says: "I really like that guy's hair."
What she means: I don't like yours.
Why she does this: She figures that it's a lot nicer to hint at this than to tell you outright.
What you should do: Get a second opinion on your hair. She may be right that it needs a change. But if your second opinion tells you otherwise, feel free to stick to your guns and your hairstyle. In that case, just pretend that you didn't get her hint.

She says: "Your love handles are so cute."
What she means: Get rid of them, please.
Why she does this: Most women know what it's like to struggle with body issues, so she would never insult you by telling you that you need to head to the gym. This way, she's letting you know that you do indeed have love handles, but in a kind and gentle way. (Note: There may be a small percentage of women who are sincere when they compliment your love handles. How do you tell the difference? It's all in her tone of voice.)
What you should do: This one's up to you. I wouldn't go to the gym simply to please someone else (love handles generally are not deal breakers anyway). But feel free to go if it'll please you.

She says: "How do I look in this (insert clothing item)?"
What she means: I need more reassurance from you.
Why she does this: She is somewhat insecure and needs more reassurance than you've been giving her. She really wants to hear a "you look beautiful/hot/wonderful" from you.
What you should do: Tell her what she wants to hear, unless she is modelling a particularly ill-fitting item of clothing (you want to bend the truth here, not completely lie).

She says: "Why do you wash the dishes/clean the floor/fold clothes like that?"
What she means: You are doing it wrong
Why she does this: She doesn't want to discourage you by telling you that you're doing household chores wrong or not in the way that she likes. She wants you to keep helping out with chores, but do it her way.
What you should do: Do it her way; it'll be less of a hassle in the long run.

She says: "I want to do something together."
What she means: We need more one-on-one time together.
Why she does this: She is saying it in this roundabout way to avoid coming off as needy.
What you should do: It depends how much time you are spending together. If you don't spend much time together, you can increase it. If you already spend most of your time together, you can ignore the hint.

Remember: What you do early on in the relationship will set the tone for the rest of it, so don't feel that you have to give in to everything she demands.

Mixed messages
Don't be surprised when your woman's words have a double meaning. Unlike a man, a woman will often hint or change her tone of voice to get her message across. But if you learn to read the subtleties, like her intonation, gestures and expressions, you're less likely to be caught off guard. So after reading the above list, the next time you so brazenly ignore her hints and suggestions, we expect that it will be fully intentional on your part.

Top 10 things only women understand

10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.

9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.

8. Crying can be fun.

7. FAT CLOTHES.

6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.

5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.

4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.

2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND:

1. OTHER WOMEN!

I have married nine times

I have married nine times. Let me tell you what was wrong with each

* My 1st husband was a musician and all he wanted to do was play with it.

* My 2nd was a doctor and all he wanted was to examine it.

* My 3rd was a politician and all he did was make promises to it.

* My 4th was a psychiatrist and all he did was talk about it.

* My 5th was a photographer and all he did was take pictures of it.

* My 6th was a policeman and all he did was keep it under lock and key.

* My 7th was a hair dresser and all he did was tease it.

* My 8th was a gourmet and all he did was taste it.

* My 9th and last one is the one I am married to now and I love him the best. He is a mechanic--he tore it up the first night and he's been working on it ever since.

It's okay, women are like that only!!

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine".

GO AHEAD
(With Raised Eyebrows!) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD
(Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "Do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow".

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say "You're welcome".

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh" as she will only tell you "Nothing".

Why men can never win against women

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a control freak.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's manipulation.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're self-centered.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

Exploring The Differences Between Men and Women

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see . . ..February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a damn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90- day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their .... . .

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe
I should never have . . Oh God, I feel so . .... . "

(She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly.
There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time," Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous
about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:

"Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

His diary, her diary

HER DIARY

Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV He seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts where somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

Today the Leafs lost. At least I got laid.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits

* When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

* When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

* In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

* When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

* When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

* When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

* I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

What Men Say and What They Mean

* I'm hungry = I'm hungry.

* I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.

* I'm tired = I'm tired.

* I've gotta pee = Get out of the way.

* I've gotta GO = Get out of the way and stay away until it clears.

* Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

* Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

* Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

* Can I get your coat? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

* Let me get your door. = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

* May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

* Nice dress! = Nice Tits!

* You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you.

* What's wrong? = I don't see why are you making such a big deal out of this.

* What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

* What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

* I'm bored. = Do you want to have sex?

* I love you. = Let's have sex now.

* I love you too = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!

* Good morning. = That was great sex......let's have more!

* See you later = That was great sex......let's have more!

* Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before.

* Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!

* Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = For $50 they should have GIVEN you hair!

* Let's talk. = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.

* Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

* Will you marry me? = I might as well get tax benefits for going through these "talks"

While shopping

* Yes, that one's nice = Why do you ask when you aren't going to listen anyway?

* That one looks great on you = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

* I like that one better = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

* Uh huh = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

* Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

* I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I am gay.

* It makes you look fat = I'm really stupid!

What Women Say and What They Mean

What women say and what they mean

* Can't we just be friends? = There is no way in hell I am going to let any part of his body touch any part of mine, again.

* I just need some space = without you in it.

* Do I look fat in this dress? = We haven't had a fight in a while.

* No, pizza's fine = Cheap bastard!

* I just do not want a boyfriend now = I just don't want YOU as a boyfriend now.

* I don't know; what do you want to do? = I can't believe that you have nothing planned.

* I like you, but = I don't like you.

* You never listen = You never listen.

* We're moving too quickly = I am not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.

* I'll be ready in a minute = I AM ready, but I am going to make you wait because I know you will.

* Oh, no, I will pay for myself = I am just being nice; there is no way I am going dutch.

* I'm just going out with the girls = We are gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.

* There's no one else = I am doing your brother.

* Size doesn't matter = unless I want an orgasm.

How not to upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower, and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mentionof this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of limited effectiveness.

Can you help please!!!!

Thank You,

Jane


##############


Dear Jane,

This is a very common problem women complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designedby its creator to run as few applications as possible.

Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.

In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0.

Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support". You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3.

I recommendyou keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause.

To activate this great feature enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOULOVED ME". Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 andFlowers/Chocolates 7.8.TECH TIP!

Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional andmore serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a "C:\>I APOLOGIZE" command before the system will return to normal operations.

Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to createFatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!

Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly.

After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixesBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2, and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shut down of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run onlyFishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

The 5 questions women love to ask and men hate to answer

The five questions men dread that women would ask. And if it happens to you, run away from the place without any second thoughts. Want to know why? Read the answers

The five questions women like to ask:

1. What are you thinking about?

2. Do you love me?

3. Do I look fat?

4. Do you think she is prettier than me?

5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (ie tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each questions is analysed below, along with possible responses

Question 1:
What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
* Football.
* How fat you are.
* How much prettier she is than you.
* How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
* Football.

Perhaps the best response to this questions was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you

Question 2:
Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear

Inappropriate responses include:
* Oh, yeah, shit loads.
* Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
* That depends on what you mean by love.
* Does it matter?
* Who, me?

Question 3:
Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Among the incorrect answers are:
* Compared to what?
* I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
* A little extra weight looks good on you.
* I've seen fatter.

Could you repeat the question, I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died

Question 4:
Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not

Incorrect responses include:
* Yes, but you have a better personality.
* Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
* Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
* Define pretty

Could you repeat the question, I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question 5
What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a corvette and a boat.") No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines

Woman: Would you get married again?
Man: Definitely not.

Woman: Why not, don't you like being married?
Man: Of course I do.

Woman: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
Man: OK, I'd get married then.

Woman: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
Man: (makes audible groan)

Woman: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Man: Where else would we sleep?

Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
Man: She can't use them, she's left-handed.

Woman: Silence
Man: Shit

Stop the nonsense, we've had enough!!

A harassed husband, who has obviously had more than his share of domestic tyranny, writes an open letter to women the world over

* Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about it being down. Deal with It

* All men only see 16 colors, peach is a fruit, not a color.

* If you don't dress like the Victoria Secrets girls, don't expect us to act like the Soap Opera guys.

* If you think you're fat, you probably are. We refuse to answer.

* Don't curl your hair. Even long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

* Don't ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
Sometimes we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

* Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

* Sunday's = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of tides. Let it be.

* Shopping is not a sport, and no we're never going to think of it that way.

* When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

* You have enough clothes.

* You have too many shoes.

* Crying is blackmail.

* Ask for what you want. Let's be clear about this one: Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it.

* No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries and birthdays on the calendar.

* Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.

* Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress.

* Yes, and No are perfectly good answers.

* Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do.

* Check your oil.

* Let us ogle. We're going to do it anyway. It's genetic.

* Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

* If it itches, it will be scratched.

* If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.

Why do men die before their wives?

The saying goes that ever since God created woman, man hasn't rested in peace. Read and find out why.

* In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

* If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

* How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

* Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you properly.

* Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things": it allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

* How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. She can use the clock that's on the oven.

* What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.

* I married Miss "Right".
I just didn't know then that her first name was "Always".

* I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I'm too polite to interrupt her.

* What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence
Divorced.

* Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

* Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

* Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
I answered, "Dust!

* Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

* A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said, "Man, I wish I had your willpower

* Young Son: "Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: "That happens everywhere son, not just in Africa."

* A man placed an ad in the classified section of a newspaper: "Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

* The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

* Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they're good looking.

God! What have you made of women?

Women don't mean what they say, and don't say what they mean. This has confounded the male species to such an extent that they have been wracking their brains to unravel the mystery called woman. Fortunately, here we have some pointers to what is on your woman's mind. A reader has sent this email which is a sort of 'how to' guide to understand your woman. Go ahead and have fun.

* We need = I want

* It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

* Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

* We need to talk = I need to complain

* Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to

* I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

* You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

* You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

* I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I've got my period

* Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

* This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

* I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

* I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white

* Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

* I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

* Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

* How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like

* I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

* Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

* You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

* Are you listening to me!? = (Too late, you're dead)

* Yes = No

* No = No

* Maybe = No

* I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

* Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it

* Was that the baby?= Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep

* I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important

* All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?