A harassed husband, who has obviously had more than his share of domestic tyranny, writes an open letter to women the world over
* Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about it being down. Deal with It
* All men only see 16 colors, peach is a fruit, not a color.
* If you don't dress like the Victoria Secrets girls, don't expect us to act like the Soap Opera guys.
* If you think you're fat, you probably are. We refuse to answer.
* Don't curl your hair. Even long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
* Don't ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
Sometimes we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
* Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
* Sunday's = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of tides. Let it be.
* Shopping is not a sport, and no we're never going to think of it that way.
* When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
* You have enough clothes.
* You have too many shoes.
* Crying is blackmail.
* Ask for what you want. Let's be clear about this one: Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it.
* No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries and birthdays on the calendar.
* Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.
* Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress.
* Yes, and No are perfectly good answers.
* Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do.
* Check your oil.
* Let us ogle. We're going to do it anyway. It's genetic.
* Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
* If it itches, it will be scratched.
* If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.
Monday, April 30, 2007
Why do men die before their wives?
The saying goes that ever since God created woman, man hasn't rested in peace. Read and find out why.
* In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
* If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
* How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
* Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you properly.
* Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things": it allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
* How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. She can use the clock that's on the oven.
* What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
* I married Miss "Right".
I just didn't know then that her first name was "Always".
* I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I'm too polite to interrupt her.
* What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence
Divorced.
* Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
* Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
* Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
I answered, "Dust!
* Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
* A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said, "Man, I wish I had your willpower
* Young Son: "Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: "That happens everywhere son, not just in Africa."
* A man placed an ad in the classified section of a newspaper: "Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
* The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
* Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they're good looking.
* In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
* If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
* How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
* Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you properly.
* Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things": it allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
* How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. She can use the clock that's on the oven.
* What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
* I married Miss "Right".
I just didn't know then that her first name was "Always".
* I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I'm too polite to interrupt her.
* What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence
Divorced.
* Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
* Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
* Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
I answered, "Dust!
* Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
* A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said, "Man, I wish I had your willpower
* Young Son: "Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: "That happens everywhere son, not just in Africa."
* A man placed an ad in the classified section of a newspaper: "Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
* The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
* Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they're good looking.
God! What have you made of women?
Women don't mean what they say, and don't say what they mean. This has confounded the male species to such an extent that they have been wracking their brains to unravel the mystery called woman. Fortunately, here we have some pointers to what is on your woman's mind. A reader has sent this email which is a sort of 'how to' guide to understand your woman. Go ahead and have fun.
* We need = I want
* It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
* Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
* We need to talk = I need to complain
* Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to
* I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
* You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
* You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
* I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I've got my period
* Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
* This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
* I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
* I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
* Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
* I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
* Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
* How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like
* I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
* Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
* You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
* Are you listening to me!? = (Too late, you're dead)
* Yes = No
* No = No
* Maybe = No
* I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
* Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it
* Was that the baby?= Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
* I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important
* All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?
* We need = I want
* It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
* Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
* We need to talk = I need to complain
* Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to
* I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
* You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
* You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
* I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I've got my period
* Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
* This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
* I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
* I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
* Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
* I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
* Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
* How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like
* I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
* Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
* You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
* Are you listening to me!? = (Too late, you're dead)
* Yes = No
* No = No
* Maybe = No
* I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
* Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it
* Was that the baby?= Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
* I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important
* All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?
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